Were you recently rejected from a volunteer writing position at some big news website? Were you absolutely befuddled and enraged because they didn't recognize your potential for greatness? Bet you didn't just sit there and take it, oh no. After complaining on your blog, you probably went right into registering some unnecessarily complex or lengthy domain name vaguely referencing gaming culture (because all the good ones have already been taken). Inspired by rejection and self-importance, you dive right into this bastardized offshoot of online reporting.
Press releases are easy enough to come by for original content, but they are so cut n' dry that trying to reword them for your articles can be such a pain. Meanwhile, other websites simply cut and paste them in their entirety, making you feel as if all your hard work has been for naught. So what's a struggling wannabe-journalist to do when he's only got himself and a handful of friends (if he's lucky) to rely on? We certainly can't ask these gamers-turned-writers to abandon their hobby of video game writing and dreams of being invited to closed conferences at E3.
Now I'm not what you would call a certified expert or industry analyst, but waking up today and logging into Neoseeker's social game news site GameGrep, I was struck by a startling epiphany: "Duh!"
So if you've been at a loss for how to get more hits, here's a brief list compiled by yours truly, a bona fide self-declared game journalist. Just don't tell my co-workers I'm revealing trade secrets.
1. Sarcasm and malicious humor often adds flavor to an otherwise bland news article. And who wants to read boring, information pieces with unbiased content? Seems like no one, these days, so why should any budding video game journalist (often synonymous with "gamer") want to WRITE that stuff? First popularized by Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation, excessive swearing, scathing wit and sarcastic quips have now become tools of the trade. If you were attacked by sharks as a child and are no longer capable of intellectual banter, just try to sound like a really big jerk. Be sure to include irrelevant sexist / racist jokes!
2. Usually, press releases are readily accessible to anyone with a website and valid email. However, this means that just about everyone will be reporting the same news. No problem, just bookmark other sites and check them daily for quirky news; re-report what they wrote and cleverly omit your source so your readers think that you're the Upton Sinclair of video game journalism.
3. Spam social / community news sites like GameGrep and Digg with articles from your website. Better yet, encourage your readers to help out. Make sure to include very vague descriptions about your posted item so the readers are forced to visit your site in order to get all the relevant information. If the admins of said social site keep hindering your activity with their silly policies, just be rude to them -- that always works...
4. Be biased, especially if you're writing about the "Big Three" manufacturers: Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo. You will invariably draw fanboys like flies to a honey pot, and while the ensuing comment fights and personal attacks on the writer might annoy you, remember that their rage can help generate traffic. Don't limit this sort of thing to news, either; hell, feel free to devote your site completely to editorials and blog articles.
5. Get a Twitter account for your website and start following EVERY gaming company or big game site, if they also have accounts. Comment on their updates like they care about what you think. Seriously, websites and "escorts" do this on Twitter. It's a fishnet strategy -- cast a wide net by following everyone and their mother, and you'll snare at least a couple readers. Maybe.
6. Write lots and lots of "Top 10" lists. They don't necessarily have to have ten entries, but make sure there's at least five. These are highly subjective, especially when you get into topics like "The Best Multiplayer Game Ever" or "The Coolest Bosses from Nintendo," so you may be getting a lot of angry comments. Don't worry, just refer back to tip #4. If you run out of valid top list ideas, just go with stuff like "Best Breast Physics," "Tightest Thongs on a Female Fighter" or something just as tasteless.
So there you have it, six quick ways to jump start your website. Soon, you'll be invited to every gaming event on the planet, flown in on private jets chartered by Square Enix and EA, making out with booth babes, and earning the respect of fellow gamers everywhere.
Hey, what are you waiting for? Get to it! What else are you going to do with your Memorial Day weekend?
Disclaimer: Author truly believes GameGrep is an awesome site.
